more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " DON'T SELL THAT COW."
When my children were young, we attended a very high Anglo-Catholic church for a while. I used to say that at least if I couldn’t hear the service I could smell it. When we took the children up for their blessing, the priest, or Father Andrew as he liked to be known, held a consecrated wafer in his fingers as he blessed the children. As we walked back down the aisle, our son Jim, in his none too-quiet voice piped up: ‘You got your bread in your mouth, but I had mine through my head.’
WISDOM OF KIDS
When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair!
A census taker walked up to a woman sitting on a porch and after introducing himself said, ‘How many children do you have?’ 4, she replied. ‘May I have their names, please.’ The woman replied ‘Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.’ Confused the census taker said ’Why did you name your 4th child George?’ ’Sure because we don’t want any Moe!’
National Car Parks have stated that they do not intend to send the Queen a bill for Richard III’s extended stay in their car park. A spokesman for NCP said “Now is the winter of our discount rent.”
Man: ‘I’m here to tune your piano.’
Woman: ‘I didn’t ask you to come and tune my piano.’
Man: ‘No but your neighbours did!’
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store when he was approached by a man called Terry who asked: ‘Can you tell me where the Post Office is?’ The little boy replied: ‘Sure, just go down this street a coupla blocks and turn right.’ Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, ‘I’m the new Pastor in town and I’d like for you to come to church on
Sunday and I’ll show you how to get to heaven.’ The little boy replied with a chuckle, ‘Awww come on,... you don’t even know the way to the Post Office!’
A group of children found a dead sparrow. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they found a small box and some cotton wool, dug a hole in the back yard and made ready to dispose of the decease. The minister’s five year old son was chosen to say a prayer and so with great dignity he intoned, ‘Glory be to the Father and unto the Son and into the hole he goes.’
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing that we didn’t have 10 years ago.
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grand-mother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
NEW YEAR JOKE:
People worry about how much they eat between Christmas and the New Year. They should really worry about how much they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
Q: What do you get if you put a sheep in a Sauna?
A: woolly sweater!
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher… The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?' The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately!
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
Sign Outside a Church Read
“If you are tired of sinning come inside and have your sins washed clean - someone had added in marker pen…. If not, ring 555667
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. “Did you smell that food?’ she asked. “Incredible!”
Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought “What the Heck... I’ll treat her!”
So they walked past it again...!
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
What is a Grandparent? They can take their teeth and gums out ( Amy aged 8yrs.)
Usually Grandmothers are too fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. (Leo aged 7yrs)
Marriage.... is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond by the end you wish you had a club and a spade!
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
A German tourist jumped into the freezing water to save my precious dog.
Upon getting back onto the bridge he checked out my puppy and told me: “Ze dog is OK - he vill be fine.”
Due to his selfless heroic act I asked: “Are you a vet?” He replied: “Vet?!” “I’m zoaked!”
A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analize myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell not to wheeze or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, big and bright, prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills helping cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know....
Is what tells each one where to go!
Aged 20 - your heart rules your head
Aged 40 - your head rules your heart
Aged 60 - you bladder rules your head and your heart!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' She asked.
'Hunting Flies' He responded.
'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued she said ‘How could you tell them apart.’
He responded ‘3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!’
At Sunday school
young April wasn’t the best at Sunday School, usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her when she was napping. “Tell me April” she said, “Who created the universe”. When she didn’t stir, the little boy sitting behind her stuck a pin in her rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY” April shouted and the teacher said “Very good”, and April fell straight back to sleep!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to pay a visit and lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin; three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, ’they’ve lost the plot!!!’
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bl***y fly never knew what hit it..!!
Murphy opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Moloney 'Did you see the paper?' asked Murphy. 'They say I died!!' 'Yes, I saw it!' replied Moloney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE:
One of a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that Sir?'
Silence.... and after a minute. : 'Sir, can you hear me?'
More silence and another minute later.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.
Don't give up on yourself.
Even Moses was once a basket case.
Wife text husband at work:
“Windows at home frozen — what should I do?”
Husband: “spray with de-icer or pour some tepid water on them”
Wife: “Done that - now computer won’t work at all!”
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
WORDS: THIS SAYS PLENTY!
Pythagoras' Theorem: .............................................24 words.
Lord's prayer:........................................................ .66 words
Archimedes' Principle: ............................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ............................................179 words.
Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : .....................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:.........7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:…. 26,911 words
Advert in a British Newspaper:
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
Referring to a programme called ‘Catholic’s' on Thursday nights on BBC 4 Fr Anthony, the presenter, remembering his First Holy Communion, recalls he started to cry. When asked why he was crying he replied ‘Jesus is stuck in the roof of my mouth.’
It is no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Kiwi, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and a South African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai. "
A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
When ever I fill in an Application form, in the part that says’ In case of emergency, notify…… .’. I put ‘DOCTOR’
An elderly Man was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of the night.
The man replied “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer said “Really?” “Who is giving the lecture at this time of the night?”
The man replied: “That would be my wife!”
As one strawberry said to the other:
It’s because of you I’m in this jam!
Signs of the Times:
AT A CAR DEALERSHIP:
"The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.
OUTSIDE A CAR EXHAUST STORE:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
IN A VET'S WAITING ROOM:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
One particular four-year-old prayed:
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
Q: What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
A: A milky baa kid!
As a little one climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
Sign above the weighing scales in a doctor’s office said:
‘PRETEND IT’S YOUR I.Q'
Sign on a Plumbers Van:
’You don't have to sleep with that Drip tonight’
A Navy Dentist’s license plate:
Seen when passing a church:
‘’GET IN TOUCH WITH GOD BY KNEE MAIL’’
When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe play pen. When they are finished, I climb out!
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question: ‘Boys and girls, what do we know about God?’
A hand shot up in the air: ‘He’s an artist.’ said the kindergarten‘
You know - Our Father who does art in heaven!’
A sign outside a church read…
Our church is like Fudge. Sweet inside with a few nuts!!!
Q. Why did the fortune teller give up telling fortunes?
A: Because there was no future in it!
THE SECRET OF A LONG, HAPPY MARRIAGE
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband and said ‘I love you so much, I don’t know how I could live without you.’
‘Is that you or the wine talking?’ asked the husband.
'Its me talking to the wine!' replied the wife.
Eating chocolates makes your clothes shrink
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”
“I don't mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
One beautiful Sunday morning, a Priest announced to his congregation:"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a £1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a £500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a £100 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.
A priest with bandaid on his chin said to his congregation"I'm sorry about this bandaid. I cut my chin this morning when I was thinking about my sermon"
Voice from the congregation: "Next time why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"
I once heard of a priest who was offering a series of children's sermons on the symbols of the church. On one Sunday the priest was speaking about vestments and asked the question, "Why do you think I wear this collar?" To this question came the response, "Because it kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months.
Some folk go to church to see and be seen.
Some go to church to say they have been.
Some go to church to sleep and to nod.
and some go to church to worship GOD.
Dear God I am saying my prayers for me and my brother Billy because Billy is six months old, he can’t do anything but sleep and wet his diapers. Diane aged 8.
Dear Lord, thank you for the nice day today.
You even fooled the TV weatherman.
Alfie aged 7.
Thank you God for my new baby brother, but I asked for a puppy!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
The local priest was telling the bishop he was a fan of the Boro and was in fact a season ticket holder. “Mind you, I’ve only been once this season and that was enough for me”. So what have you done with the season ticket the bishop asked. “Well he replied, I have confession on a Saturday and I give it out as a penance!”
Q What do you call a Policeman hiding in a tree?
A A member of the Special Branch
Q What is the best present in the world?
A A broken drum - you can’t beat it!
Q. What do you eat in a Taxi?
A. Corn in the Cab
Q). What is the vampire’s favourite song?
A). Fangs for the memory
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my
Walking into the pub, Mike said to Charlie, the landlord, "Pour me a large one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yes?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really?" said Charlie. "That makes a change! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you coward'" said Mike.
Three retired Church Ministers, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. The retired Methodist Minister observed, 'Windy, isn’t it?' 'No' the retired Baptist Minister said, 'Its Thursday'. The retired Priest agreed. 'So am I! Lets all go for a pint'
Q). What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
A). For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
A wise teacher sent this note to all parents on the first day of term: ‘If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens in school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he/she says happens at home!’
A priest put hot-air hand dryers in the toilets at his church. After two weeks, he had them taken out. I asked him why and he confessed they had worked fine but someone had scribbled on the dryer: “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button!”
A man is recovering from surgery and tells the Surgical Nurse that he didn’t like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery. What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops' he replied!
Q. Why are Grandfathers teeth like stars?
A. Because they only come out at night.
The banana went to see the doctor because he wasn’t PEELING too well.
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings... I had no Monet.'
A crowded flight was cancelled after 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied, 'I m sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.…'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM? 'Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please' she began — her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS? If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £207.85 said the cashier "How come so much? I only bought 5 items." The cashier replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
A handful of seven year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mam gets.'
7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
A TRUE STORY FROM NORTH CAROLINA
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other handon top of
Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT !
You spend the first two years of their life
teaching your children to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them
to sit down and shut up!!
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the Internal Revenue. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a shiny new bathroom scale. And then the fight started!!
THE BATH TUB TEST
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.' When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love'. The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived 'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! So, how do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him. 'Which word?' her husband asked? Czechoslovakia .' Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
*"Repaint! Repaint! ** And thin no more!" *
A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a weak voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated, and said loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!
While on vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars. Then, I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church.. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents." "Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?” The priest smiled and said, my friend, you’re in Ireland now, It’s a local call!
What is an astronaut’s favourite place on a computer?
The Space Bar
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
A: An antique!
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied, ‘Are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital' Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
Sign on the back of a car:
“If you can read this I’ve lost my caravan.”
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference!
The Bishop was disappointed at a church he was visiting and asked the priest if he had advertised his visit to preach. 'No bishop' he replied promptly, 'but I'll soon deal with the wretch who did!'
Christmas Cracker Jokes:
Q: How do you keep cool at a football match?
A: You stand next to a fan!
Q: What did Santa say to his wife when he got soaked feeding the animals?
A: Do you see the REIN –DEER?
Q: What do you get if you swallow Christmas decorations?
A: You get TINSELITIS!
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A: Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak, voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.'
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. ‘Yes or no,' she replied.
This is dedicated to all of us who are senior citizens.)
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by aray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well.......so that's why no one was at church today."
Is’nt it strange how everyone wants front row tickets to Concerts or Games, but they do whatever possible to sit at the last row in church.
Questions that Haunt Me
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Mick was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Mick still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
The best angle to approach any problem is the
try – angle.
One Good Deed!
A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly gates: ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the man offered. ‘Once on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest, most heavily tattooed bikerand smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it one the ground. I yelled “Now back off or I’ll ruin you all!”
St Peter was impressed. ‘When did this happen?’ he asked.
The man answered: ‘Just a couple of minutes ago.’
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, theWall of Fear, the Screaming Monster, Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dill !!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
CHILDBIRTH AT 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!!'
CALL CENTER CONVERSATION
On one occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world:
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's Morning."
Mother, admonishing her little girl who had
been handed an orange by their host: “Now what do you say, dear?” Little girl, carefully handing the orange back to the host: “Peel it.”
Bless me Father for I have sinned. For years I’ve been stealing from the lumberyard where I work.’
‘How much did you steal?’
‘Enough to build my own house and those of my sons and daughters.’
This is serious and deserves such a penance.’ ’Have you ever done a retreat?’ No Father, but if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber!’
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. 'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!'
Our dog suddenly started barking almost every night at around 3 am. Irritated and sleepy, my husband searched for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal. For 3 days he found nothing amiss. After a 4th night he was frantic & went around the back through the alley. He discovered his mild-mannered neighbour throwing pebbles at the dog. The embarrassed neighbour explained: ‘My mother-in-law is visiting. If she gets woken up in the middle of the night again, she says she’ll leave!
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. As they reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Little Johnny told his mother that he had been playing postman. ‘Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?’ ‘Oh I had some letters’ replied Johnny. I was looking in your cupboard upstairs and I found a packet of letters tied u with a ribbon - I posted one in every door in the street!’
The husband had just finished reading a book called ‘You Can be the Man in your House’ He stormed into the kitchen. He said ‘From now on you need to know that I am the man in this house and my word is law. You will make me a gourmet dinner and then you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. You will then run me a bath so I can relax. You will bring me my dressing gown then massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?’ The wife replied: ‘The funeral director would be my guess!’
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to mum would be like. It seems the minister asked my mum ’Do you take this man to be your husband?’ And she said ’I do’. He then asked dad ‘Do you take this woman ….’ And my mum said ‘He does!’
A little boy said ‘My dad is the greatest because he is the manager of the town bank.’ A second boy said ‘That’s pretty good but my dad owns two grocery stores in town.’ The third boy said ‘That’s nothing, my dad is a Vicar and he owns hell! He came home last night and told my mum that the Parish Council gave it to him.’
When our lawn mower broke down, my wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the car, fishing, golf - always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched s for a short time and then went into the house. I cameout again and handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass, " I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."
When fleeing temptation, don’t leave a forwarding address!
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
3 boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him £50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:
Yorkshire man: "Ah've come to see thee abaht me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay lad, I've browt it wi' me
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail. "Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'. The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Satan appeared to a man and said, “
Do you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” “Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't.” said the man.
“Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan. “Yep,” was the calm reply?
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope,” said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren't you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied,
“Been married to your sister for 48 years !”
Up in heaven, God had just made all the animals, and they held a raffle to see who would get what. So the lion got a mane, and the leopard got the spots and the cat got the miaow and things like that. Then at the end God came down and all the animals lined up to shake his hand.
And God said: ‘Where’s the camel?’ and St Peter said: ‘The camel’s not coming. He’s got the hump!’
It was 3.30 am and Jock Mc Kae hadn't slept a wink. His constant tossing and turning had also kept his wife awake. “Jock" she said “whatever's the matter with you? Are you worried about something ?" “Aye, that I am" said Jock, "but I didna want to worry you with it." "Well let's be hearing aboot it and maybe we can sort it out" said Mary. "Te tell ye the truth" said Jock "I owe Kenny Mc Rae £1,000 and I canna pay him it back." Mary was out of the bed in a flash and throwing the window open wide she starts calling "Maggie Mc Rae, Maggie McRae, Maggie McRae, can you hear me?" "Aye, that I can. What's it all aboot?" came the reply. "Well" shouted Mary "my Jock owes your Kenny £1,000 and he canna pay it back" and she immediately slammed down the window and got back into bed.
''What good has that done?" said Jock. "Well" said Mary "you can go to sleep now and let them do the worrying."
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally ill, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. ‘Well’ the Director said, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub’.
‘Oh I understand’ said the visitor, ‘a normal person would select the bucket because it’s the biggest.’ ‘No’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug.’ ‘Do you want a bed near the window?’.
Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a pizza.
"Certainly your majesty" says the manager "will it be your usual?
Deep pan, crisp and even?"
A little boy was playing the part of a shepherd. As he entered the manger scene with his friends to present a gift to the newly-born babe, he froze and forgot his lines. So he improvised and looking into the
Manger he turned to Mary and said:
‘Eee, isn’t he like his dad?’
What did the Eskimo wife say to her husband after building an igloo?
“What an ice little house”.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol -DEAD. The second worm in cigarette smoke -DEAD. Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
KIDS ARE QUICK!
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
‘Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.' Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father: 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
A man once advised his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren 30 great-grandchildren and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!
Halloween Joke - Two nuns are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second. The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula screams as the water burns hisskin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!"
A cowboy was sprawled across three seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered “Sorry Sir, but you are only allowed one seat”. The cowboy groaned but did not budge. The usher became inpatient; “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager “. Once again the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy without success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation then asked “All right buddy, what’syour name?” “Fred” the cowboy moaned; “and where ya from Fred?” asked the Ranger. With terrible pain in his voice and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony.”
At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.
The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."
"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?""Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"NO MA'AM," he replied, with even more excitement!
The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"
With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"
SIGN OF THE TIMES!
My ten year old niece says her prayers every night and instead of ‘Amen’ she says ‘click and send’.
One Sunday morning a mother was getting ready for church when she noticed her son wasn't up yet. She finally went in to wake him up. "Come on, get up...you'll miss church!" she said. "No, I don't want to go!" came the reply from her son as he buried his head under the pillow. "Yes, you have to get up for church" the mother coaxed. "No, I am not going to church. And I'll give you two reasons. Number 1 nobody likes me and Number 2 I don't
like them." The mother put her hands on her hips and replied indignantly,"Well you ARE going to church and I'll give you two reasons why you are going: Number 1 You are 45 years old, and number 2 You are the pastor!"
A man was driving to work when a lorry ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquillised by medics. Later when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in from of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign and somebody was standing in front of the ‘S’!”
Bishop Fulton Sheen used to tell about the saint who encountered a man that claimed he could pray with no distractions. The saint was sceptical and told the man he would give him his horse if he could say one Our Father without getting distracted. The man was overjoyed and immediately began, "Our Father, who art in heaven." Then he stopped and asked, "Does that include the saddle?"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5 am.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man wokeup only to discover it was 9 am and he has missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It’s 5 am. Wake up.’
A millionaire kept alligators in a large pool at the back of his mansion. He also had one daughter, who was a very beautiful woman. One day he had a garden party at his residence. During the event he addressed the guests "Dear Guests, to any man here who would swim across that pool and reach the other side unharmed, I would give a million dollars or the hand of my beautiful daughter". No sooner had he said the last word when there was a loud splash and everyone turned to see this man swimming frantically across the pool. The guests cheered and encouraged the swimmer, who did in fact make the other side unharmed. The Millionaire was amazed "Fantastic" he said, " I didn’t think it was possible, but now that you have done it, I will be true to my word - What do you want my daughter or a million dollars" ? To which the man replied, " I dont want your money and I don’t want your daughter, what I want is the so-and-so who pushed me in"............................
There were two priests out the front of their church setting up a big sign that said: "The End is Near. Turn Ye Around Before it is too Late, and ye will not fall"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...
One priest turns to the other and says:
'Father Brown, do you think maybe the sign should just say "Bridge Out Ahead"?'
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' There were
some interesting responses:
7-year-old Tim: 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the
more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
7-year-old Melanie: 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get
to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so
beer is nice.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but offer
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The Sunday School Teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted and said “My mummy looked back once while she was driving” he announce triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. Next year the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy , but definitely Caucasian WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby.’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wongs don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…. Sum Ting Wong
TOMMY COOPER JOKES…
Phone answering machine message - '
...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
WHY MEN ARE LIKE…
Computers — They are hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Horoscopes — They always tell you what to do, but are always wrong.
Blenders — You need one but are not quite sure why.
The Weather — Nothing can be done to change either one of them
Lava Lamps — They are fun to watch but not very bright!
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
MEALS ON WHEELS
A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his life on earth - people swept him with broom, he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven. They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth - how they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them he'll make their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do much walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them with skates. A week later God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that you have been sending me are delicious !"
SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
MEN AND WOMEN
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 ofthese items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because even back then men wouldn’t ask directions!!
SCHOOL ANSWERING MESSAGE
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1;
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2;
To complain about what we do - Press 3;
To swear at staff members - Press 4;
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5; If you want us to raise your child - Press 6;
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7;
To request another teacher, for the 3rd time this year - Press 8;
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9;
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:
Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in hospital near death. The family called their priest to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Fred’s condition deteriorated and he motioned frantically for something to write on and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note , then he died.
The priest thought it best not to read the note at the time and put it in his pocket.
After the funeral the priest realised he was wearing the same jacket he had worn when Fred died. He said to thefamily, ‘Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it but, knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration for us all.’ He opened the note and read aloud ‘You’re standing on my oxygen tube!!.’
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE CORRECT
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel . So, the husband left Minnesota for Florida on Thursday, his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Mick was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
An Irishman was very overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat for 2 weeks and you should have lost 5lbs.’
When he returned to the doctor he has lost nearly 60lbs! ‘Why that’s amazing’ said the doctor. ’Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded, “I tell you, I t,aut I were going to drop dead on dat terd day. ‘From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor. ‘No, from the skippin!’
Church Bulletin Blunders
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
4 year old at prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a Funeral Director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her
face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished , and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!"
Tommy Cooper Joke
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said
'I careered off the road.'
A Methodist Preacher arrived at his new church and discovered that it had "old bats" hanging on the pitched ceiling. He called someone to ask what should he do with them and they explained, that if he should put them all in a bag and drive them out to the country and let them go, he would be rid of them. The Preacher did just that, but he got back to the church, the "old bats" were waiting on the doorsteps to be let in. The Preacher also tried two other things that didn't work.
So one day he saw the Baptist preacher from down the street and he asked him if he had ever had a problem with "old bats" in his church. The Baptist Preacher said, "I use to, but I baptized them and confirmed them and they haven't been back since."
There is the story of a little boy who was playing the part of the shepherd.
As he entered the manger scene with his friends to present a gift to the new-born babe, he froze and forgot his lines. So he improvised, and looking into the manger, he turned to Mary and said, “Eee, isn’t he like his dad?”
After the teacher had read the Christmas story she asked the children:
'Who do you think the most important woman in the is?'
The teacher expected the answer to be 'Mary' but instead the little boy answered 'Eve' because they named two days in the year after her. Christmas Eve and New Years Eve.
Just before Christmas a young lad was practising for the lesson he was to read at the school carol service. With a perplexed look on his face and a typical child’s disregard for the sacredness of Holy Scripture, he said, “Mum, there’s a mistake her. It says Mary was great with child. Surely it means ‘great with children’?”
DEFINITION OF MIXED EMOTIONS
Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new family car.
What did Santa say to his wife when he got soaked feeding the animals?
A: Do you see the REIN –DEER?
Q: What do you get if you swallow Christmas decorations?
A: You get TINSELITIS!
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A: Thanks, I’ll never Part with it.
A cannibal went to the tribe’s witch doctor. ‘Doc, I’ve been feeling lousy lately.’ ‘Hmmm.’ replied the witch doctor. ‘Let’s review your diet. Are you eating man or animal?’ ‘Man, doc. We’re eating those Catholic missionaries we caught last week.’ ‘OK, tell me how you cook them.’ ‘Same way as always, doc. We boil them up in the big pot.’ ‘Hmmmm,’ pondered the witch doctor. ‘Tell me more about these Catholic missionaries.’ ‘Well, funny thing, doc. They all look alike! They’re short, fat, wear long robes, sandals, rope for belts, and are bald with a fringe
of hair.’ ‘Well, that’s your problem right there,’ responded the witch doctor.
‘Those guys aren’t boilers!… They’re friars!’
Letter to God from children:
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy — Joyce (aged 5 yrs)
I bet it’s really hard for you to love everyone in the world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it — Denise (aged 6 yrs)
When my daughter was five she begged for a watch and some
perfume for Christmas. On the big day all we heard from her
was: ‘Listen to my watch. Smell my perfume.’ I told her not to
say that to visitors. So as each one arrived she said: ‘If you
hear a little noise and smell a little smell – it’s me.!”
(Memorise these and torment your grandchildren!)
What do you call a man with:
a seagull on his head: Cliff
a car on his head: Jack
a number-plate on his head: Reg
What do you call a man:
correcting school work: Mark
pouring water into a jug: Phil
doing exercise: Jim
An exasperated mother whose son was always getting into
mischief finally asked him:
“How do you expect to get into heaven?”
The boy thought it over and then said, “Well, I’ll run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says: “For heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out.”
Some things you never hear in church:
Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front row.
I was so enthralled I didn’t realise the sermon had gone on for half an hour.
Since we are all here, let’s start Mass early.
LAWYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK GRANDMA A QUESTION IF THEY AREN'T PREPARED FOR THE ANSWER.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' whatthey believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed" Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? "
A woman was trying to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer it. 'It's the priest mum,' the child said to her mother. Then she told her caller: 'mummy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Bosscame into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?'
She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
One Summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a hug. “I can’t dear” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was at last broken by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy!”
Ben is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 yrs ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try". "That's no good" sighs Ben. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help". "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect". So the next day Ben heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" "Where did it go?" says Ben
“I can't remember".
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-aaad…”.
“I’m thirsty, can I have a drink of water?”
“No, you had your last chance. Lights out!”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaad…”.
“I’m thirsty, can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you, No! If you ask again I’ll haveto spank you!!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad…”. “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a crate of Stella Artois, a bottle of red wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a tin of celebrations. You have no idea how bl**dy good I feel.
The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter' and disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely, the thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin and files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet, but nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves, my searches to refine.The reply from him was negative, not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,' my Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Two elderly couples were having a friendly conversation, when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory
clinic you went to?" "Outstanding" said Fred "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques –visualisation,
association – it's made a huge difference to me." "That's
great" Fred's friend said. "What was the name of the clinic?" Fred's face went blank, then he smiled and said "What's the
name of that flower with a longstem andthorns?" "A rose" his
friend said. Fred turned to his wife and asked "Rose, what
was the name of that memory clinic?"
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms are:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice — done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! - that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. — yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. — who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. — well
darn! not again!6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. — oh no -
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." — and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No! - IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Did you ever hear the story of the twenty pound note and the one pound? They finally met in the Bank of England. After a long life, they had come to the end of their usefulness and were about to be destroyed. The twenty speaks, "I don't mind. I've had a good run. I have been in many excellent restaurants. I've been on great vacations. I've seen wonderful theatre in my day." Then the twenty asks the one pound "How about you, pilgrim? What kind of a time have you had?"
Downcast, the one pound responded, "Lousy! I've spent most of my life at the bottom of collection baskets in Catholic churches."
ROUND YELLOW THING
USUALLY FLOATS AROUND IN THE SKY!!! ANSWERS TO THE NAME ''SUN''.
IF YOU SEE HIM TELL HIM IT'S
Actual ad in the Drogheda Independent !
FOR SALE. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Husband knows freakin' everything!
The priest stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news." The congregation got quiet. "The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said. The congregation groaned. "The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof." A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group. "The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
‘I’ve come to tune your piano.’ ‘I didn’t send for you,’ said the woman. ‘No,’ he said, ‘but your neighbours did.’
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and did not know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply: ‘For heaven’s sake don’t dig up that garden that’s where I buried GUNS!! At 4 am a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden but didn’t find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son’s reply was: ’Just plant the potatoes’.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A little boy told by his mother that he will be allowed to go on a picnic she had previously forbidden sighed, "It's too late Mummy, I've already prayed for rain."
Goat for Dinner!
The young couple invited their elderly priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”
Two children were discussing their childhood and their parents:
‘First they teach you to walk and when you do, they’re ever so proud’. Then they teach you to talk and, when you do they’re ever so proud’.
‘Then when you can both walk and talk, they tell you to sit down and shut up!’
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with so me collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this) The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
A three-year-old walked into the bathroom whilst her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you, Mummy," she told her. "Perhaps when you grow up," her mother told her. "No, Mummy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use.”
Everything is wonderful. My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, the cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.I think I might never put my glasses back on !
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO
HEAR AT THE TATTOOIST'S
“Eagle? I thought you said Beagle.”
“I hate it when I get the hick ups.”
“Sorry mate I ran out of red so I used pink.”
“There are two ‘O’s in Bob aren’t there?”
“Not bad for my first time.”
LIFE'S A TEST
At age 4 success is ...... not wetting your pants
At age 12 success is......having friends.
At age 17, success is.....having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is .....having money.
At age 70 success is......having a drivers license
At age 75 success is......having friends
At age 90 success is......not wetting your pants
The new priest was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was in, but no answer came to his repeated knocking. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door. The following Sunday his card was found in the collection with this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the reference, he fell about laughing.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am
11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men & one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall . They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
A middle-aged lady had a heart attack
and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" "Oh no" said God "You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." On recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy-tuck. Since she had so much time to live, she thought she'd make the most of it. After her last operation, she left the hospital to go home and was knocked down and killed by a bus as she was crossing the road. Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had 40 odd years to live. Why didn't you pull me out of the way of that bus?" And God said "Sorry, I didn't recognise you."
E-mail from God:
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion." So he called another angel and sent him down to Earth for atime too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? You don't? Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either!
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
An elderly woman walked into a country church and was greeted by an Usher who asked where she would like to sit. ‘At the front please!’ The Usher replied ‘You don’t want to sit at the front, our priest is really boring!’ ‘Do you know who I am?’ said the woman. ‘I am the priest’s mother!’ The Usher asked, ‘Do you know who I am’. ‘No’ she said. ‘Good ‘ came the reply.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38”! (Repent and be baptised in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you”. “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an axe and two 38s!”
A priest died and when he arrived at the gates, a Taxi driver was just ahead of him. St. Peter read through both their lives and then let them both in. He showed the taxi driver his room. It was a magnificent suite with a king-size bed, giant screen TV, fully stocked bar, the works. After seeing the taxi driver's room, the priest was anxious to see his own. It turned out to be a tiny room with a cot and a fifty watt light bulb dangling from the ceiling. Naturally the priest asked St. Peter for an explanation. "Look," he said, "when you gave homilies people fell asleep. But when people rode in his taxi, they prayed."
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge initially awarded custody
to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child, welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!!
Two guys are sitting in a boat on a lake fishing and drinking beer when all of a sudden Jimmy says: “I think I’ll divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me for six months”. His mate, Johnny sips his beer and says, "You had better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Four Catholic ladies were talking one morning. One said: "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him Father."
The second one said: "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say Your Grace."
The third one said smugly: "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say Your Eminence."
The fourth sat in silence then said: "My son is a gorgeous, 6ft 2inch, hard-bodied male model. When he walks into a room people say: "OH MY GOD...."
Three brothers, Johnny, Tommy and Charlie, are writing letters to Santa Claus. Johnny writes: "Dear Santa, in my house there are three boys. Charlie is 10, Tommy is 8 and Johnny is 6. Charlie is good sometimes. Tommy is good sometimes. Johnny is good all the time. -- (Signed) Johnny.
Tommy writes: "Dear Santa: Last year you didn't leave me anything
good. The year before last year, you didn't leave me anything good. I
am now 8 years old. This might be your last chance. -- (Signed) TommyTen-year old Charlie has begun to doubt whether Santa is real and so decides to write directly to Baby Jesus instead, just to be sure.
This is how he begins his letter: "Dear Jesus, you know I was a very
good boy this year ..." The argument does not sound too convincing to him, so he tears the paper and begins afresh.
"Dear Jesus, you know I TRIED to be a very good boy this year .."
Again, this does not sound too convincing either. Again he tears the paper to begin afresh. Just then Charlie looks up at the statue of Mary in the nativity scene, goes and grabs it and carefully wraps it up in a sheet. Then he settles to write his final letter:
"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again ..................."
Did you hear about the Montana teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it wasputting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.!!!
Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have:
Brought practical gifts
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
And there would have been peace on earth!
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail with illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He opened it and It read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse with £100 in it, which was all the money I had. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, "Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers and each one came up with a few pounds. He collected £96, put it into an envelope and sent it to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. Everyone gathered around while the letter was read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those blighters at the Post Office. Sincerely yours, Edna"
A woman went to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There is no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question: “Will I get away with it?”
Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places.
Linford Christie goes into a golf club and the man at the reception, looking a bit embarrassed, says ‘Sorry sir, we don’t let black people play here.
‘There’s another club 10 minutes down the road that might help’. ‘But I’m Linford Christie’ he says. ‘Alright then, five minutes down the road.’
A Frenchman touring Ireland entered a train compartment which already seated two commercial travellers.
One of these said to the other ‘And where have you been lately?’ ‘Sure’ came the reply ‘and haven’t I been to Kilmary and now I’m off to Kilpatrick. What about yourself?’
The first said ‘I’ve been to Kilkenny and Kilmichael and now I’m off to Kilmore’.
The Frenchman listened in amazement and hastily got off the train at the next station!
“So there you are, Son” said the father. “I’ve told you the story of your dad and the war”. “There’s just one thing bothering me Dad,” said the son. “What did they need all the other soldiers for?”
A little boy pulled on the preacher's hand to get his attention then says: "I'm going to give you some money when I grow up". The preacher says: "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up"? The little boy replied: "My dad says you are the poorest preacher he has ever heard!"
While out in the town I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking.
As they approached I commented on how romantic it was.
He replied: "We have been holding hands for over 30 years. I have to, if I let go she shops!"
Priest: Michael, do you say your prayers at night?
Michael: Yes Father.
Priest: Do you say your prayers in the morning?
Michael: No Father cause I aint scared in the daytime!
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of the old fridge he decided to put it in the front garden along with a sign saying "Free to good home; if you want it, take it."
For 3 days days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. So eventually the man changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale £30."
The next day someone stole it!!